Stand Your Ground

Even though I don't live in Florida, I want to pay homage to Florida legislators for their "Stand Your Ground" law.

Here's how it works:

1. You drive around your neighborhood late at night, in the dark, with a loaded gun.

2. When you see someone you don't recognize, you call the police.

3. Report to the police that the person looks like they're on drugs (whether they do or not), and tell the police that the person looks like they're up to no good (whether they are or not).

3. Then, follow the person with your car. If the police tell you not to follow the person, keep following them anyway.

4. Once you drive as close as you can to the person, get out of your car and approach them.

5. If the person looks at you the wrong way--I mean in a way that makes you feel really, really afraid--or if the person looks like they might try to defend themselves against you (because you are a dangerous stalker) you shoot them. Dead.

You. Shoot. Them. Dead.

6. Next, you wait for the police to arrive. Once they get there, tell them how afraid the stranger made you. Tell them you were in fear of your life. The police will let you go home, because you are a victim. Even if the person you just killed had reason to be in the neighborhood and/or is proven to be just an innocent person, you still get to go home. 

By the way, Stand Your Ground laws will probably work best if white people shoot and kill black people rather than the other way around.

7. Lastly, sleep well knowing you are keeping your lily-white gated community free of societal menaces such as rapists, burglars, drug dealers, murderers, and minorities.